been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
sex in a hospital.. check
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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