Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
