Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
