Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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