A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
