I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
