He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
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