I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
