plz talk dirty to me
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
