Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
