I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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