Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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