If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
