Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
