I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
