my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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