Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
