omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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