It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
