Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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