Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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