do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
