if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
