I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
