apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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