I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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