census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
