do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
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