Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
