I can't breathe out the right side of my face
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
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