smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
