Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
