Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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