Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
