Cold hands, warm shart.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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