bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
