im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
