You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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