I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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