Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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