can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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