Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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