the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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