I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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