so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
