I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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