he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
