she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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