I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
