I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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