Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
