she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
