how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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